Conflict (or Interval 02)

A friend of mine asked me a direct and admittedly loaded question which I couldn’t even fathom the answer to:

Are you happy?

My knee jerk and somewhat honest answer was yes, I am happy. I have much to be thankful for this year. I have great friends, my relationship with my immediate family is the best it have ever been (those who know me, know how wondrous that is), I’m well on my way towards my long term goal of being able to do my 135 KM bike race around the Island, and my tenure at Concordia will be over in a few short months.

But this doesn’t exactly make me happy. It makes me conflicted.

I feel like I’ve been continually called and relied upon on the last few weeks to re-affirm, condemn and/or make tough choices in my life and the lives of others. I really hope I’ve made the right decisions and been there as best I can, but how do I know I did the right thing? I believe the world is best articulated in shades of grey, not black and white, but I also believe that one’s actual choices reflect larger on the individual then outcome of those very decisions.

It’s really a naive question of me to ask you, ‘what is the right thing’, because that’s the funny part.

We never know. We can only hope (or pray if you’re the type) for happy endings, and plan for a bad ones.

I feel like in a way, as much as I’ve done “good” recently, I’ve also done bad. I’ve made choices that might negatively impact the lives of those I care for the most.

I think I made a good choice in re-affirming my friend’s wish to continue forward with an unexpected pregnancy. I will be there for her no matter what, and I’m proud of her and her boyfriend for taking responsibility for their actions (I’m Pro-choice, before any of you start, but sexuality = responsibility and I will not move from that position).

I think I made a bad choice by catering to people’s unrealistic expectations of life. I know they well be hurt in the future, and I’ll hurt in the process – I feel like I used soft touch where a sterner hand was required – but I live with my choices, as we all do.

I think I made a good choice to try to be more present in the lives of my extended family - especially those of my late aunt’s husband and children – but I think I made a bad choice in not giving them my 100% attention when it was due in the first place.

Even my future, I’m conflicted about what I will do when I graduate. Do I stay in Montreal? Do I go back home? Do I go to Korea? These are just the short term concerns. I haven’t even addressed my life goals directly or made any steps toward them in a year or so.

Is my love life conflicted? Yes. No. Maybe. Whose isn’t about conflict? I just hope my insecurities and hang-ups don’t get in the way of me being happy, and vice versa for those I have feelings for.

Take it away, Busta.

- E

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